Before leaving

As of tomorrow it will be 2 weeks before departure. I am struggling so much mentally with confusion, for I want a reason why my physical body is being so unpredictable and what it is saying with its symptoms. Are doctors decoders of what is going on in our bodies? Lately I want to be so identified with Jesus and want all of Him. Yet I ask- Did you ever struggle with sickness? Oh yeah you were God so I don't think so, yet you were 100% vulnerable like a human. Arguments rage in my head with questions- Satan? Emotions? Sickness? I being mentally top heavy and needing to just not think? Japan, what about Japan? Where is peace again? God presses prayer and more prayer. Hiding me in the shadow of His hand and purposefully not revealing the future or else there would be no need for the word adventure or surprise.God is showing me how difficult it is to follow Him- yet His grace, HIS grace, HIS GRACE is sufficient for insufficient people!
Ahhhh!!!!!!!!! When wanting to be hard on myself He says GRACE
 when wanting to beat another person up physically or verbally He says GRACE
when wanting to pick on myself or others He says GRACE
 as the war wages in my soul to do the right decision He whispers GRACE
 when I am in a minute of pitch deafening darkness He yells GRACE.
When I see Him on the cross saying "I did this for you, to extend you GRACE" this is when I fall face down. Like Ezekiel, Daniel, and major prophets.
So much growth before leaving. I keep telling Satan- whatever this sickness is, it is not enough to dampen my fire and fervor for the Lord so I will enjoy the day I get to see your ugly God aweful face underneath my feet. Kapeeesshhh? Oh let me remind you where you'll be.... in the lake of FIRE!!!! Principalities and rulers of darkness I feel as though they follow me and try to taunt me the minute I wake up with my soulish nature that is when I instruct my heart- I walk by the Spirit and remind myself to put on my armor. My brothers and sisters let me remind you we are at WAR, don't back down now because our strength won't do a dang thing. We can do everything through Him who gives us strength, so drain me of my own and let me experience yours alone. Word, Big Words, MORE OF HIS WORD.