We are discussing the subject of "Kingdom Sexuality" learning how God ordained relationships. Kenny Jackson, our leader's husband shared how the world's rivers run from north to south but the Nile River runs from South to North and it is the only river that does such. He had a little glass full of the pee like water from the Nile. He used this as an illustration of how we are called to go against the flow of the worlds information of how sexuality is presented and this reminded me of Leeland "Opposite Way." We discussed this idea, Is sex a need and why. Need: a nescesity for life. Reproduction yes- always in context of marriage. We looked at Jesus an unmarried man and the case was closed.
Such transparency! God lead one of my brothers to confess on the topic and I thought that I should share how God has delivered me as well. My heart beat soared and heard a voice say "don't, Don't, DON'T" before I came up. The story begins when I was 13-14 and there was a book I thought it read organism but I opened the book and was introduced to what and how orgasm occured. From then on I was curious about it and guilt kept following me. My goal was to be pure and blameless but was this really affecting me? YES! I thought a prophet would come out and say to my face what I was doing in secret. I never went on any porn sites or looked at magazines. Oh Ms. Purity would be found out. She would soon find out God wants truth in the inmost parts, psalm 51 and that God loved her the same even in the midst of sinning.
But God's gift with making me a visual person made it hard. Especially little hints in movies scenes would replay in my mind. Music really affected me to because my ear for music, did not have protection at times and certain songs would arouse things from my ears to my body. Uggg- the world rushes. When God says "Don't awaken love until it so desires" not that sex is love, but the idea that this isn't to be awakened till my husband comes along. When I was 18, God delivered me through prayer and constant submission. He delivered a message as well. We are called to give Him pleasure not ourselves. I was taking away my husbands gift that He would want to give me. Out of consideration for my physical best friend other than Jesus, I prepare before hand.
After sharing my insides with the group- healing flowed through people and many thanks came for the boldness to get in front of 45 people and share my guts. What shame? Who are you shame to try and taunt my life for being truthful with my neighbor? People wanted prayer and people wanted to talk about their struggles and know how God has had me walk this out. He is coming for a pure bride- How pure do you want to be? Just physically or mentally as well? This is between you and the Lord very much so- but I want to be transparent like glass. What is there to hide? Only sin causes us to hide like Adam and Eve in the garden. Our group named me courageous. I couldn't believe it was coming out of my mouth- it was God.
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